the question...

The blessing of beautiful white snow that fell last night covered over a pretty tough day and also managed to reminded me of the exact moment when I realized I needed to let Jesus love me. Quite a job for just a little snow, right?

It was last spring when I was in Colorado for a conference -enjoying the mountains and the music and the people and the air, but not being too sold on the weekend's intent. There was this focus on asking God questions, then just sitting around on the side of a mountain waiting for Him to answer. Covanents of Silence, these moments were called. Go ask Him if He loves you and then just sit there and get your answer...I was annoyed, It wasn't fitting with how my relationship with Jesus had been up until that point. It was all too, well, spiritual for me.

So, not wanting to disturb all of the other women actively engaged in their silences, I would go out and dutifully sit. I did actually ahve some sweet moments with God during those times, I praised Him for the view and the rest and the beauty He was showing me...but I never quite got around to asking Him that question:

"Do you love me?"

Of course He loves me, right? I am His daughter, His child, His princess, His joy. I see now that those words, for so long, had been just words to me. Just answers on Sunday morning. Just empty encouragements heaped on friends feeling down. Empty. Oh, how I have realized this year the power in the words of the Lord! These words that I always quoted, memorized, used to sound right and good and wise. There is this immeasurable power in the words of the Lord, and I never caught on to that. Never caught on to the weight of the truth of being the daughter of the King. Daughter of the King. They kept telling me that there in Colorado. Kept telling me that He whispers my name and wants to tell me secrets about how much He loves me, but I wasn't ready to hear it. I wasn't even ready to ask the question.

On the final night there I woke at 4:30 to something tapping on the window near my bed. I looked out to find a covering of fresh snow so thick, I could see nothing else. It sat like a blanket over everything, shining in the moonlight. It was a stunning scene. I put on my coat and boots and walked outside. The flakes were falling huge and gentle all around me. I could here nothing but the falling of snowflakes through the trees, seeming to sizzle as they landed. I will never forget that moment. I suddenly realized that I was the only one taking in this incredible view. I suddenly believed that Jesus had tapped on that window to call me outside. I suddenly did not think things were too spiritual there in the mountains. He wanted me to be in this unbelievable moment that He created just for me. He told me, right then, that He loved me. I stood there on the porch, literally surrounded by nothing but pure, clean, whiteness,,,overwhelmed. See, He wouldn't let me get away with being too afraid or too cynical to ask the question. He just pulled me out of my bed in the middle of the night to give me the answer before I could even utter the words. I told Him right then, in my typical fashion of running away when things get a bit close, that I was a bit nervous and not really sure how to accept such a gift...

It was then that He asked me the question that I am only now starting to form an answer to.

He asked me if I could just let Him love me.