chasing the sun...

my dear friend, nicole, celebrated another year on this planet yesterday. this fascinating woman and i spent some timeless years together in norman, ok...writing (rarely using caps, you see), laughing (seriously good, deep, hurting the next day laughs), singing (i don't mind the sun sometimes), circling (repetition, repetition), traveling (nine states in four days...still a personal best), reading (from george's dante love to smashed fairies and all that fall in between), walking (down railroad tracks for a diet dp so early in the cold cold morning), dreaming (of knitting nations and salt like sand for miles and miles and miles)....

friend, 

you have lived beyond everyone's hopes for you - taken on the big city, taught the masses (i will sit on the hill, the children will come to me, and i will teach them...), shared your unique view of the world with the world, helped the grounded to fly, given voice to the silent, wed, and found a baby in your belly... and we find ourselves so far apart. but please know that i admire and love and miss you. i am thankful for the pieces of me that i remember when we do connect. i hope that you had a magical birthday and got there smiling, just as the sun went down....

here's to here.

and i you.

happy birthday. 

a good night....really

I wrote this entry in my journal late last night:

Tonight I found myself in the midst of precious friends, a beautiful night, fantastic food, sweet fun conversation....and I left feeling sad. This deep, beaten down sad that has hung onto me in one way or another for as long as I can remember - like a strange summer weed being plucked away just to pop up again while all the world is sleeping.

But tonight there's this little bit of hope tagging along - this sense that I can see the root for once. Dig through the dry dirt and catch a glimpse of the life source twisting and plotting underneath. 

It's idolatry. 

I have made an idol out of too many things to count, too many things to even know. Happiness, marriage, babies, love,money, appearance, friendship. relationships, opportunities, experiences...and they are all knotted up there at the base of my sometimes sadness. Things I don't have. Things I long for. Things I don't long for but still envy in others. Things I believe will make me better. Things I believe will make me whole. 

God help me. 

I know the "answer" is to leave all of this worldly weight behind and long for only my Jesus. I know these idols will not, of themselves, bring me that elusive peace. I know that the grass is always friggin' greener over there...I know. I know. (Sing it Levi!)

But the weed still grows. 

So tonight I am going to bed asking God to forgive my wants, but to please remember my needs and even my desires. I am asking Him to change my heart in ways too big for me to believe in. I want to enjoy nights like tonight as the perfect and loving gift that they are and quit seeing myself in comparison to the rest.

....So, see, it really was a good night, in more ways than one. I had a wonderful time, and had the roots of my sometimes sadness revealed to me when i didn't even ask. Now they can start to become untangled a bit...less choking... and maybe even pulled out all together some sweet day.