a good night....really

I wrote this entry in my journal late last night:

Tonight I found myself in the midst of precious friends, a beautiful night, fantastic food, sweet fun conversation....and I left feeling sad. This deep, beaten down sad that has hung onto me in one way or another for as long as I can remember - like a strange summer weed being plucked away just to pop up again while all the world is sleeping.

But tonight there's this little bit of hope tagging along - this sense that I can see the root for once. Dig through the dry dirt and catch a glimpse of the life source twisting and plotting underneath. 

It's idolatry. 

I have made an idol out of too many things to count, too many things to even know. Happiness, marriage, babies, love,money, appearance, friendship. relationships, opportunities, experiences...and they are all knotted up there at the base of my sometimes sadness. Things I don't have. Things I long for. Things I don't long for but still envy in others. Things I believe will make me better. Things I believe will make me whole. 

God help me. 

I know the "answer" is to leave all of this worldly weight behind and long for only my Jesus. I know these idols will not, of themselves, bring me that elusive peace. I know that the grass is always friggin' greener over there...I know. I know. (Sing it Levi!)

But the weed still grows. 

So tonight I am going to bed asking God to forgive my wants, but to please remember my needs and even my desires. I am asking Him to change my heart in ways too big for me to believe in. I want to enjoy nights like tonight as the perfect and loving gift that they are and quit seeing myself in comparison to the rest.

....So, see, it really was a good night, in more ways than one. I had a wonderful time, and had the roots of my sometimes sadness revealed to me when i didn't even ask. Now they can start to become untangled a bit...less choking... and maybe even pulled out all together some sweet day.