2.28.2009
2.26.2009
what to do with all of this....
This is an email I sent to a few dear friends this morning and decided to post....
I had three little mini break-downs yesterday. Three different little crying fits where I felt like I really wanted to be screaming but instead I just did some quiet crying. You know those days? So, in tryng to sort out why - especially after one of the little crying fits came while jogging around the track at the gym, with lots of other people, none of whom were crying – I drove to the lake and rolled down the windows and played that game I play with the Holy Spirit where I ask him to talk to me through random shuffle on the ipod. I don’t care if people think that is divination or using God or inviting Dopey into my car via music selection. I like it and I usually get something really great and personal and wonderful from doing it. Just like yoga. Demons be damned.
Anyway, the song last night is one that I promise you I have never even heard. It’s on Mere’s old ipod that I occasionally use now that she has the superphone. It just floored me. Here you go:
Surely We Can Change
David Crowder Band
And the problem is this
We were bought with a kiss
But the cheek still turned
Even when it wasn’t hit
And I don’t know
What to do with a love like that
And I don’t know
How to be a love like that
When all the love in the world
Is right here among us
And hatred too
And so we must choose
What our hands will do
Where there is pain
Let there be grace
Where there is suffering
Bring serenity
For those afraid
Help them be brave
Where there is misery
Bring expectancy
And surely we can change
Surely we can change
Something
And the problem it seems
Is with you and me
Not the Love who came
To repair everything
And I don’t know
What to do with a love like that
And I don’t know
How to be a love like that
Surely we can change
Something
Oh, the world’s about to change
The whole world’s about to change
It’s the "I don’t know what to do with a love like that, and I don’t know how to be a love like that" part that really got to me the most. Is anyone else doing this “letting Jesus love us” thing and being completely overwhelmed by the realization that it is so freaking huge that there is no way to even know what to do with it? I am suddenly feeling completely overwhelmed with the state of the world, the vastness of the universe, the blood of Christ, my own terrible nature, the sweet things not seen, the stress that everyone walks through day by day that is natural and understandable but so silly in light of the big picture, the big picture, the fact that there is so much more going on here than we recognize, the fact that I do not live as if there is so much more, the fact that I know there is so much more and that it tears me up to recognize that I am wanting to explode about the so much more but keeping in all in check to get through my days in an easy, simple, going through the motions way.
John 4 blew me away last night – this one little section that I am sure I have read a dozen times in my life – just blew me away.
Meanwhile the disciples were urging him saying, “Rabbi, eat.” But he said to them, “I have food to eat that you do not know about.” So the disciples said to one another, “Has anyone brought him something to eat?” Jesus said to them, “My food is to do the will of him who sent me, and to accomplish his work. Do you not say, ‘There are yet four months, then comes the harvest’? Look, I tell you, lift up your eyes, and see that the fields are white for harvest. Already the one who reaps is receiving wages and gathering fruit for eternal life, so that the sower and reaper may rejoice together.”
And I don’t know what to do with the way that passage hit me last night.
These were his disciples, who knew him and his message better than anyone, and they were just consumed with the fact that he hadn’t eaten bread for the day and needed to. How many things do I say I “need” to do in a day that have nothing to do with my real purpose in being here? How dramatic that he told them, “I don’t need to eat. It’s not important. There’s this huge living and dying world all around us. That’s what’s important today.”
This morning I was thankful that I have never been given more. I can’t handle what I have. How badly would I screw up even more? So I have all that I need, way more than I need, but I spend so much time wishing and dreaming and being jealous and angry….it’s just like those guys worrying about what was for lunch. It is silly, pointless, and all about me. Living breathing dying world all around me that I am called OUT from, and I just worry about fitting IN. Geez.
This righteous anger that I was talking about last week, it’s all mixed in with this frustration that there is so much more, and we don’t seem to get it. I don’t know what to do with that. Then there’s his overwhelming love, the fact that I was given this day today to try one more time, that I really don’t know what to do with.
This counseling gig is difficult. I spend all day doing my best to make sure everyone is alright. I have to step away from that and realize that I can only do what I can do. And I need to let other people ask me if I am alright. I can’t do that here at the job, so I need my friends to ask me if I am alright sometimes. Yesterday proved to me that I am not, but that I am learning, he is beating me into some greater understanding, and I am overwhelmed and thankful for it all….
It’s a lot of ramblings, but like I said, I don’t know what to do with all of this. But I am so incredibly thankful that I know I can spill it out to you all, that my Jesus is walking me through this maze, and that I have a place to take all of this….I think about the counselors I know who have no belief in any god other than we screwed up messes of human beings, and I really don’t know how they cope.
So, I guess I do know what to do with all of this. I keep taking it to Jesus, I keep talking about it with my friends. I keep finding times to be quiet and listen. I cry sometimes when I am jogging.
I had three little mini break-downs yesterday. Three different little crying fits where I felt like I really wanted to be screaming but instead I just did some quiet crying. You know those days? So, in tryng to sort out why - especially after one of the little crying fits came while jogging around the track at the gym, with lots of other people, none of whom were crying – I drove to the lake and rolled down the windows and played that game I play with the Holy Spirit where I ask him to talk to me through random shuffle on the ipod. I don’t care if people think that is divination or using God or inviting Dopey into my car via music selection. I like it and I usually get something really great and personal and wonderful from doing it. Just like yoga. Demons be damned.
Anyway, the song last night is one that I promise you I have never even heard. It’s on Mere’s old ipod that I occasionally use now that she has the superphone. It just floored me. Here you go:
Surely We Can Change
David Crowder Band
And the problem is this
We were bought with a kiss
But the cheek still turned
Even when it wasn’t hit
And I don’t know
What to do with a love like that
And I don’t know
How to be a love like that
When all the love in the world
Is right here among us
And hatred too
And so we must choose
What our hands will do
Where there is pain
Let there be grace
Where there is suffering
Bring serenity
For those afraid
Help them be brave
Where there is misery
Bring expectancy
And surely we can change
Surely we can change
Something
And the problem it seems
Is with you and me
Not the Love who came
To repair everything
And I don’t know
What to do with a love like that
And I don’t know
How to be a love like that
Surely we can change
Something
Oh, the world’s about to change
The whole world’s about to change
It’s the "I don’t know what to do with a love like that, and I don’t know how to be a love like that" part that really got to me the most. Is anyone else doing this “letting Jesus love us” thing and being completely overwhelmed by the realization that it is so freaking huge that there is no way to even know what to do with it? I am suddenly feeling completely overwhelmed with the state of the world, the vastness of the universe, the blood of Christ, my own terrible nature, the sweet things not seen, the stress that everyone walks through day by day that is natural and understandable but so silly in light of the big picture, the big picture, the fact that there is so much more going on here than we recognize, the fact that I do not live as if there is so much more, the fact that I know there is so much more and that it tears me up to recognize that I am wanting to explode about the so much more but keeping in all in check to get through my days in an easy, simple, going through the motions way.
John 4 blew me away last night – this one little section that I am sure I have read a dozen times in my life – just blew me away.
Meanwhile the disciples were urging him saying, “Rabbi, eat.” But he said to them, “I have food to eat that you do not know about.” So the disciples said to one another, “Has anyone brought him something to eat?” Jesus said to them, “My food is to do the will of him who sent me, and to accomplish his work. Do you not say, ‘There are yet four months, then comes the harvest’? Look, I tell you, lift up your eyes, and see that the fields are white for harvest. Already the one who reaps is receiving wages and gathering fruit for eternal life, so that the sower and reaper may rejoice together.”
And I don’t know what to do with the way that passage hit me last night.
These were his disciples, who knew him and his message better than anyone, and they were just consumed with the fact that he hadn’t eaten bread for the day and needed to. How many things do I say I “need” to do in a day that have nothing to do with my real purpose in being here? How dramatic that he told them, “I don’t need to eat. It’s not important. There’s this huge living and dying world all around us. That’s what’s important today.”
This morning I was thankful that I have never been given more. I can’t handle what I have. How badly would I screw up even more? So I have all that I need, way more than I need, but I spend so much time wishing and dreaming and being jealous and angry….it’s just like those guys worrying about what was for lunch. It is silly, pointless, and all about me. Living breathing dying world all around me that I am called OUT from, and I just worry about fitting IN. Geez.
This righteous anger that I was talking about last week, it’s all mixed in with this frustration that there is so much more, and we don’t seem to get it. I don’t know what to do with that. Then there’s his overwhelming love, the fact that I was given this day today to try one more time, that I really don’t know what to do with.
This counseling gig is difficult. I spend all day doing my best to make sure everyone is alright. I have to step away from that and realize that I can only do what I can do. And I need to let other people ask me if I am alright. I can’t do that here at the job, so I need my friends to ask me if I am alright sometimes. Yesterday proved to me that I am not, but that I am learning, he is beating me into some greater understanding, and I am overwhelmed and thankful for it all….
It’s a lot of ramblings, but like I said, I don’t know what to do with all of this. But I am so incredibly thankful that I know I can spill it out to you all, that my Jesus is walking me through this maze, and that I have a place to take all of this….I think about the counselors I know who have no belief in any god other than we screwed up messes of human beings, and I really don’t know how they cope.
So, I guess I do know what to do with all of this. I keep taking it to Jesus, I keep talking about it with my friends. I keep finding times to be quiet and listen. I cry sometimes when I am jogging.
8.24.2008
chasing the sun...
my dear friend, nicole, celebrated another year on this planet yesterday. this fascinating woman and i spent some timeless years together in norman, ok...writing (rarely using caps, you see), laughing (seriously good, deep, hurting the next day laughs), singing (i don't mind the sun sometimes), circling (repetition, repetition), traveling (nine states in four days...still a personal best), reading (from george's dante love to smashed fairies and all that fall in between), walking (down railroad tracks for a diet dp so early in the cold cold morning), dreaming (of knitting nations and salt like sand for miles and miles and miles)....
friend,
you have lived beyond everyone's hopes for you - taken on the big city, taught the masses (i will sit on the hill, the children will come to me, and i will teach them...), shared your unique view of the world with the world, helped the grounded to fly, given voice to the silent, wed, and found a baby in your belly... and we find ourselves so far apart. but please know that i admire and love and miss you. i am thankful for the pieces of me that i remember when we do connect. i hope that you had a magical birthday and got there smiling, just as the sun went down....
here's to here.
and i you.
happy birthday.
8.15.2008
a good night....really
I wrote this entry in my journal late last night:
Tonight I found myself in the midst of precious friends, a beautiful night, fantastic food, sweet fun conversation....and I left feeling sad. This deep, beaten down sad that has hung onto me in one way or another for as long as I can remember - like a strange summer weed being plucked away just to pop up again while all the world is sleeping.
But tonight there's this little bit of hope tagging along - this sense that I can see the root for once. Dig through the dry dirt and catch a glimpse of the life source twisting and plotting underneath.
It's idolatry.
I have made an idol out of too many things to count, too many things to even know. Happiness, marriage, babies, love,money, appearance, friendship. relationships, opportunities, experiences...and they are all knotted up there at the base of my sometimes sadness. Things I don't have. Things I long for. Things I don't long for but still envy in others. Things I believe will make me better. Things I believe will make me whole.
God help me.
I know the "answer" is to leave all of this worldly weight behind and long for only my Jesus. I know these idols will not, of themselves, bring me that elusive peace. I know that the grass is always friggin' greener over there...I know. I know. (Sing it Levi!)
But the weed still grows.
So tonight I am going to bed asking God to forgive my wants, but to please remember my needs and even my desires. I am asking Him to change my heart in ways too big for me to believe in. I want to enjoy nights like tonight as the perfect and loving gift that they are and quit seeing myself in comparison to the rest.
6.03.2008
5.03.2008
for em...
...because the running stripped and free along the water's edge will come soon enough.
...because you deserve to feel the sunshine.
...because finding the balance between comfort and freedom is tricky but necessary.
...because I've got your back, even when it's up against the wall.
...because this will only make sense to you, mbt.
hug it.
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